Catching Up

It's 2:10 AM, and I'm at the Wildwood Inn in Gatlinburg, Tennessee with Vicki, unable to sleep because my mind is wandering too much. My parents are watching Jasmine so that Vicki and I can have some alone time for once. We get almost none of that in Charlotte. It's a lot of stress on us being alone in Charlotte with me being in the condition I'm in. Just being here for Thanksgiving makes me wish we lived closer to family, even if just temporarily. I get the feeling that God's plan is for grandchildren to live near their grandparents.

Maybe you're wondering how I'm doing since my last entry ended on a high note. Well Tuesday I was playing with Jasmine, apparently a little more than I should have, and I think I did something to set my progress back a bit. I'm still mad at myself for that, but it's very hard being the father of a precious little 14-month old girl and not being able to be her playmate like I used to be. It breaks my heart to not be able to make her laugh and giggle like I want. It's just not fair. So how did this little setback affect me? Now when I sit in anything but a hard wooden chair I feel pain, tingling, and/or numbness in my left leg. That concerns me.

I have a followup appointment with my orthopedic doctor Tuesday afternoon. My feeling is that he will suggest another epidural steroid injection and that we'll probably talk a little more about the possibility of surgery. I don't want to have surgery unless I absolutely have to. My plan is to go back to work Wednesday so I can feel like a productive member of society again. I'd be working from home which I don't like because I feel so isolated, but at least I'd be working again. I ordered a laptop desk on the internet Wednesday morning that supposedly will allow me to work while lying flat on my back and hopefully will arrive by the time we get back to North Carolina on Monday.

As far as my mental attitude goes, when I'm on painkillers it's pretty good as you might imagine. When I'm not on painkillers it can be anything from hopeful and positive to just wishing someone would take me out in the back yard and shoot me. I don't mean that literally of course; I'd just like my life to get back to the way it was before: pain-free and able to be active. It's a challenge to stay positive when the pain is constantly reminding me of all the things I can't do physically. But hey, I'm in Gatlnburg with my wife this weekend. I'm not stuck at home in bed constantly tripped out on painkillers. I could be in a lot worse shape couldn't I?

Spiritually I might have given you the impression that I'm some kind of spiritual giant. Not so! I'm just a guy searching for some way to make sense out of life and this situation. I feel like I'm a lukewarm Christian so I wonder what's the use? All I do is go to church, hear some music and a message, smile and say hello, and go home. I used to be more active in serving others through a local grocery outreach ministry, but I can't do that any more. Vicki, Jasmine, and I used to visit a local nursing home once a month, and we can't do that any more. Those were a big part of my life, and they're gone for now.

I know my words here have been very negative. I'm not looking for encouragement or fishing for sympathy or pity from anyone. I simply want to be honest with you about how I'm feeling. Thank you for allowing me do that. Now I'm going to try to get back to sleep!

God bless,

Aaron