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I grew up as a Christian starting "full-time" in my late elementary school years. I attended church faithfully throughout high school, going on mission trips and youth retreats and being an active participant in many ways. I entered into a deep depression my sophomore year in college and chose to walk away from Christ because I felt He had failed me. Then in 2001 I found my way back to Christ while living in Phoenix, Arizona. And I have been there pretty much ever since ... until now.
I've had many things happen to me lately that are causing me to re-think my beliefs. There are many times in my past where I have felt abandoned by God. For each of these I generally either rationalize God's actions as good but "too high" for my understanding, excuse them in some form or fashion, or push them to the dark recesses of my mind where the light rarely shines on them. As a result of recent occurrences in my life, all these episodes have come to the forefront of my mind lately, and I am at the point where I can no longer ignore them.
I've always been taught to believe that God is personal and loving and that if I don't feel His presence either I am to blame in some way or my faith is being tested. Honestly the times I have felt God's personal presence in my life have been rare, if any. The idea of a personal, loving God is an extremely appealing one, and I'd love nothing more than to believe it, but I've come to the point where I can't continue to fake my faith any more. That doesn't do anyone any good, and it's living a lie. For me it's like hearing a fairytale and wanting and trying to make it come true when it never can. I long to feel God's presence, but I'm tired of beating myself up for not trying hard enough or trusting God enough for that to happen.
I'm not sure where I'm headed from here other than I'm going to start being honest with myself and stop beating the crap out of myself for trying to make the myth of a personal God reality in my life. I will always believe in God, but my idea of Him is in the process of changing dramatically. If you want to pray for me, that's fine. But I'd appreciate it if you would allow me to travel down this road and not try to talk me out of it. It's a journey I need to take. If the God of the Bible is who He says He is, surely He will bring me back. And if He's not, then I'm finally free of the chains of a personal God who really isn't.
Yours transparently,
Aaron
3 comments:
I am praying for you on your journey. Although my journey is different, with different issue, I feel your pain. I believe that our consumeristic religion has set us up for many spiritual / faith challenges. I have learned to live with the questions and hold losely to my answers. Love you friend.
Aaron, my heart goes out to you through your quest. I am no stranger to some similiar experiences---depresssion, feeling abandoned by God, re-evaluating my faith-beliefs. I want you to know that I am standing by you and if you need a human face/voice to talk to I am here to share with you. And yes, I will pray for you on your quest.---Love, Aunt Meb
Aaron, my comments come from love for you. As a fellow "victim" of depression, I truly believe that it colors (or more accurately de-colors) all our thinking, even when we are viewed by others as being in "remission." I think it is the depression that doesn't allow us to feel God's reality--we have wacko wiring that screws up even good things. At least that is what I want to think. Please know that I am here for you as you travel. I, too, want truth to guide us both. I love you. Aunt Jan
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