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The most difficult thing for me in my spiritual life is the delimma of God and prayer. Honestly most of the time for me prayer seems useless if I'm asking for something. I was on a big upswing a few weeks ago when my severe backpain seemed to disappear over the course of a couple of days, but the more I think about it the more I believe it was the Medrol as much as anything else. In a way I guess that could be considered an answer to prayer, or it could just be considered the blessing of modern medicine.
We went to church yesterday morning as usual, and as Jeff was preaching I sat there in a fairly rotten mood. There was a presentation about a recent mission trip to Costa Rica to run a Bible school. I heard the people who went talk about telling the kids the good news of Jesus, and I wonder: is it really the good news we think it is, or is it just another story that tugs at our emotions? I've seen many movies that do that, but an entire religion hasn't been formed around them.
My prayer dilemma plays into my spiritual doubts a lot. If God is so close, how can He also seem so distant? Sometimes I would rather believe that He set the world in motion a long time ago and now just watches it spin. Instead I have held onto the belief that He is a close, personal God who hears my prayers and intercedes in people's lives. That leaves me feeling frustrated and abandoned when He doesn't answer my prayers for myself or others. I'm not asking for a car or to win the lottery. I'm asking for healing or things that most people would deem worthy. It's as if there's a giant game of heavenly bingo going on, and if you're lucky enough -- and only then -- you'll get to yell out "Bingo!" and have your prayers answered. In a room full of hundreds of people, very few bingo.
That's enough of my rambling. It's nearly 3:30 now, so I guess I will try to get back to sleep.
Aaron
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